What if your teen isn’t refusing school… but avoiding something that feels impossible to face?
When a child suddenly stops going to school, it’s easy to focus on attendance, grades, and getting them back into the classroom. But what if school avoidance is actually a symptom of something much deeper?
In this episode, I explore the difference between school refusal and school avoidance, and why the language we use matters. Rather than asking, “How do I get my child back to school?” I encourage parents to ask a different question: “Why does school no longer feel possible?”
Together, we’ll look at some of the underlying causes that can contribute to school avoidance, including anxiety, bullying, depression, grief, trauma, learning differences, medical concerns, and life changes that may not always be obvious. I’ll also share why curiosity, compassion, and slowing down to understand your teen’s experience can often be the first step toward meaningful change.
If your family is struggling with school avoidance, I want you to know that you are not alone. This doesn’t define your child, and it doesn’t define you as a parent. There is hope, and there are ways to move forward with greater understanding and confidence.
If this episode resonates with you, I invite you to schedule a complimentary consultation. Together, we can explore what may be happening beneath the surface and discuss the next best steps for your family.
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
00:03
Have you reached the end of your rope trying to help your child? Are you wondering how to help your teen find their way back to themselves and you don’t know what to do next? I’m your host, Mary Warren, and I’m here to share with you information, stories, and possible solutions to help you find the best options for your team and family.
00:23
Are you ready to start thinking about parenting and relationships in a new way? If you are, take a breath, relax, and let’s talk. Welcome to the Empower My Team podcast. I’m Mary Warren. Today, I want to talk about school avoidance.
00:42
It’s something that comes up often in my conversations with parents, and it can leave families feeling overwhelmed, scared, and not really knowing what to do next. You may have heard it called school refusal.
00:56
I tend to use the phrase school avoidance because in most cases, our kids aren’t refusing school just to refuse it. They’re avoiding something that feels overwhelming, frightening, or impossible. I’ve talked with parents who have walked their teens all the way to the front doors of school, only to watch them freeze, or cry, or beg not to go, or turn around and head right back to the car.
01:23
I’ve talked with parents whose teen won’t get out of bed. They start complaining of stomach aches every school morning or sit on the edge of the bed saying, I just can’t do it today. If you’re listening and you’re thinking, that’s us, I want you to know something.
01:42
You’re certainly not alone. I’ve sat with a lot of parents who have walked this same road, and I know how scary this can feel. School avoidance doesn’t just affect our kids. It affects the whole family.
01:55
Suddenly, we’re thinking about attendance, grades, missing assignments, graduation, and everything our kids might be missing. It is overwhelming. And underneath all of those thoughts is a parent who’s scared, scared for their kid, scared for their future, and wondering, what do I do now?
02:18
That’s usually when parents ask me, how do I get my kid back in school? And honestly, it’s a really understandable question. I think most of us would ask the same thing. But here’s where I usually slow things down.
02:33
Because before we can figure out what to do, I think we need to understand the why. One of the things I say all the time is, let’s look at the W’s. If you’ve worked with me before or are currently working with me now, this may sound very familiar to you.
02:51
Today, let’s start with why. Not why won’t my kid go to school, but why does school no longer feel possible? To me, that’s a very different question. One thing I found over the years is that there really isn’t just one answer.
03:10
Every family is different. Every kid is different. And school avoidance is often our first clue that something else may be going on. Maybe your teen has been bullied and you don’t know it. Maybe anxiety has become so overwhelming that walking through those school doors feels absolutely impossible.
03:34
Maybe there’s a learning difference that hasn’t been identified yet. Can you imagine working just as hard as everyone else and still feeling like you can’t keep up? After a while, you might start wondering, what’s wrong with you?
03:50
And if you believe you’re going to fail before you even walk into the classroom, avoiding school can start to make a whole lot more sense. I’ve also talked with parents whose teen looks unmotivated, only to discover there was so much more going on beneath the surface.
04:08
Maybe it was depression. Maybe it’s grief. Maybe there’s trauma. Maybe it’s a medical issue. Or maybe it was simply a teen who didn’t yet have the words to explain what they’re feeling. Now, don’t get me wrong.
04:23
I’m not saying that every teen who avoids school has one of these things going on. They don’t. That’s exactly why I encourage parents to get curious instead of jumping to conclusions. One of the first things I ask parents is, what’s changed?
04:39
Has this been building over time? Or did something happen recently? Has there been a change in any of their friendships? Was there a romantic breakup? Was there a move? Either with you or maybe one of their best friends had to move?
04:55
Was there a loss? Somebody close to them, a friend? A family member? A pet? Is there a change at school? Or has your teen quietly been carrying something they’ve never shared with anyone? Those questions don’t always give us the answer, but they often point us in the right direction.
05:15
Here’s another question I often ask. Has your teen had a recent physical? Has anyone checked basic blood work? Of course, I’m not a physician, and I’m certainly not trying to diagnose anything, but I do believe in looking at the whole person.
05:31
Sometimes we discover our teen isn’t sleeping well. Sometimes there’s a medical issue contributing to low energy, fatigue, or difficulty concentrating. And sometimes everything checks out physically, which simply helps us know where to keep looking.
05:49
The other thing I wonder about is whether this is the right learning environment for this particular kid. Not every kid thrives in a traditional school setting, and that’s okay. Our kids aren’t all wired the same way.
06:03
That doesn’t mean they’re broken. It doesn’t mean they’ve failed. It simply means they need a different environment where they can learn. They can grow. They can thrive and be successful. Now, don’t get me wrong.
06:18
Attendance matters. Grades matter. Of course they do. But if those become our only focus, we may miss the very thing our teen is trying to tell us. So where do we go from here? If I were sitting across from you right now, I’d probably remind you of one thing.
06:37
You don’t have to have all this figured out today. I know it feels urgent. I know it feels like every missed day of school is another step behind. But slowing down long enough to understand what’s really going on isn’t falling behind.
06:52
It’s actually how we move forward. Sometimes the hardest part isn’t figuring out what our team needs. It’s slowing down long enough to see it. As parents, we just want to fix everything. We want our kids to completely feel better.
07:08
We want them back in school and thriving. We want life to feel normal again for them and for us as parents. I understand that. I really do. But what I have found out over the years is that when we understand the why, we’re in a much better position to decide what comes next.
07:31
If you’re listening today and thinking, this is our family, I hope you’ll remember this. School avoidance doesn’t define your teen, and it doesn’t define you as a parent. Sometimes it’s simply the first clue that something deeper needs our attention.
07:49
I’ve watched families move through this. I’ve watched teens who couldn’t imagine walking through those school doors find their footing again. I’ve watched parents who felt overwhelmed and scared begin to breathe again.
08:04
Not because everything changed overnight, it certainly didn’t, but because they stopped asking, how do I get my kid back to school, and started asking, what is my team trying to tell me? The goal isn’t just getting our team back in the classroom.
08:20
The goal is helping them get back to a place where school feels possible again. And sometimes that begins with understanding before reacting. Thank you for spending this time with me today. Take really good care of yourself and hang in there and keep breathing.
08:40
Thank you for listening today. I’m your host, Mary Warren, and I’m so grateful you found this podcast. I invite you to visit my website at empowermyteen.com and schedule a complimentary consultation to discuss your situation.
08:55
Remember, you are a caring and concerned parent, and your child is lucky to have you in their life. So please be kind to yourself.
